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July 18th, 2007
10:00 pm
Do you ever wake up and completley hate your self and the fact that you exist...?
I'm never on this thing I don't know why I still have it.
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January 3rd, 2007
01:06 am - Unsteady Things
So I'm starting off the New Year with a bang. I have managed to meet an awesome girl who gets me and is actually available so I scooped her up and made her my girlfriend. I have spent the last 5 days with her almost non-stop and its been good. As much as I wanted a relationship, its kinda weird being in one again; only becasue I can't seem to wrap my head around the idea of refering to someone as my girlfriend. I suppose I will get used to it. I'm going to miss being thought of as an individual instead of half of a whole.
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November 15th, 2006
04:19 am - Again I go unnoticed
I guess when you said that you didn't want a relationship you just meant you didn't want one with me. Cuz after devoting myself to you for 9 months you have managed to recruite a new victum in about 2 weeks and make them your girlfriend. I think I'm more impressed then hurt. Impressed that anyone can be that much of a fucking asshole to someone. You would think I would be used to being replaced in such an timely mannor, I guess I'm just that replaceable. You really had me fooled through all the tears, soft kisses and and late night phone calls that I actually ment something to you. I fell for all the lines and the poor me routine. Only to have it all end with a huge 'fuck you' to me. The only thing I can find comfort in is the fact that you will get yours, and worse than this. It just literlly kills me cuz I was so good to you,and this is the thanks I get.
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October 30th, 2006
02:55 pm - After all this, you're just like all the rest
I have come to the conclusion that females exist only to disapoint and hurt me. The one that I have let myself become so entangled in has been fucking around behind my back with a close friend of ours, and failed to tell me about it till I confronted her after a party at 2am. Not only did I have to find out from the girl whom she has been fucking with I had to find out at a party infront of everyone who see's me on a regular basis. So now I have been humiliated and made out to look stupid infront of a good amount of people. And to make matters worse she wouldn't drop the conversation and got in my face and told me "she doesn't want you, she want me". Being cornered, humiliated, made to look stupid and then having the fact that the girl I want doesn't want me thrown in my face doesn't settle well with me, so ofcourse I yelled back and she steped way back and said she was done and that she was sorry... I win, don't fuck with me or the girl I'm fucking with or I will slit your throat.
Why can I just not find a female that will not make me feel like I'm not good enough or like I'm not enough...? Hell ugly people can do it, why can't I? Am I that unlovable, cuz thats what it feels like. Wonderful.
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June 13th, 2006
01:55 pm - Busy Me
so things have been sorts sucky, but you know me I just keep going like nothings wrong. I feel like I lost a good friend, we talk, but its different, and sorta distant. I listen, and give advice that I know isn't going to make a differnce, because they won't listen...I almost feel like its a waste of time. I almost wish I could take back everything, the good with the bad, so I wouldn't have to feel this way now.
I need some advice, I feel like all I do is give it. I don't know what to do, keep doing what I'm doing, or just stop forcing a decision to be made...ugh.
I went to the Pride Parade in Boston on Saturday, and it was alot of fun. The best part was the dykes on bikes. We all went to a party later and I fell down the stairs...twice, and I wasn't even drunk, so I had no excuse except that the stairs were wet and I'm retarted.
I have alot of crap to do and not enough time to do it, I've barley had time to do anything for me, I want to go to the gym today, but the odds of that actully happening are slim to none. I have to call the redcross today and get information on setting up a blood drive at school, and that has to be done by tomorrow, in time for the Ambassador meeting. I have to call Tanya back and confirm gettting the gym on thrusday for my wiffle ball event. I have to go shopping for my event. I have to call joe and tell him to fill out the paper i sent him so that I can set up and interview for the peer tutor job I'm applying for, like I need another thing to do...
You would think that when I'm bitching about having so much to do I would stop taking on more stuff, but apparently that would be to easy for me, I must secretly like the stress of being busy...
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April 22nd, 2006
07:02 pm
Goodbye Alice in Wonderland
Goodbye yellow brick road
There is a difference between dreaming and pretending
I did not find paradise
It was only a reflection of my lonely mind searching
For what was missing in my life
I'm embarassed to say the rest is a rock and roll cliche
I hit the bottom when I reached the top
I never knew it was you who was breaking my heart
I thought you had to love me
You did not
Yes a heart can hallucinate
If it's completely starved for love
Can even make monsters seem like
Angels from above
You forged my love like a weapon
And turned it against me like a knife
You broke my last heartstring
But you opened up my eyes
So goodbye Alice in Wonderland
Goodbye yellow brick road
There is a difference between dreaming and pretending
That was not love in your eyes
It was only a reflection of my lonely mind wanting
what was missing in my life
Dreaming is a good thing cause it brings new things to life
Pretending is an ending that perpetuates a lie
Forgetting what you are
Seeing for what you've been told
And growing up is not the absence of dreaming
It's being able to understand the difference between the ones you can hold
And the ones that you've been sold
Well, truth is stranger than fiction
And this is my chance to get it right
Life is much better without all of your pretty lies
So Goodbye Alice in Wonderland
You can keep your yellow brick road
Cause there is a difference between dreaming and pretending
That was not love in your eyes
It was only a reflection of my lonely mind wanting
It was only a reflection of my lonely mind wishing
That you were what was missing from my life
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/charitycam/stars/pessimistic.gif) pessimistic
Current Music: Alix Olson-built like that
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March 4th, 2006
01:51 am - matanza usted mismo
Did I call it or what. Right now it doesn't feel so good to be right.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/charitycam/stars/sad.gif) numb
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February 24th, 2006
08:37 pm
hurt?
Current Music: Ani
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February 22nd, 2006
12:23 am
Tonight was my first night on duty, it was alright, a few things here and there, but nothing terrible.
called Julie tonight and she wasn't around. I was going to call my aunt but I figured it was too late. I still need to call my sister, i really should do that tomorrow, she probably thinks i died.
today was carl's b-day. Didn't talk to him or anything, i think he's pretty upset with me, I don't know what to say or do, I guess there isn't anyting I can do.
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February 16th, 2006
02:30 pm
Went to Ambassadors this morning. We eneded up meeting in some shady room above andmissions. You had to take this obscure stairwell. Then to top this off there was a note in the middle of the conference table that said in case of an emergency to use the hammer by the window to break the window to get out... creepy.
Really wanted a coolata from dunk dunk, so I dragged Kate and Yani to dunk dunk and they ran out, so I didn't get anything. We sat in there for about an hour.
Just hanging out and then I'm gunna head back to the room and do some hw before I have to come back for class at 7. I ran into Joe across the street and he promised to be in class today, I gave him a hard time, and we talked for a bit.
RA meeting tomorrow, gotta make a list of all the crap I need to bring up and get straightened out.
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February 14th, 2006
04:52 pm - V-day
I have my office hours right now, what a joke. So for all I have done is check soemone out of their room and then try and track some people down. Then I was dismissed and I've been siting in my room writing up program proposals and checking e-mails.
Stupid me scheduled one of my programs for the night that I'm going to be in Virginia, so now I have to undo what I've done. Then ontop of that I ahve to change my office hours for that week when I have no time to do them and I have to find someone to cover for me for that night...ugh. I shouldn't get in trouble for it cuz I already had my flight reservations since about a month ago, way before I took the possition.
Carl might not have to go out for that week that is my spring break so I might end up staying in Virgina from the 7th to the 18th and carl and I will fly up here together, I just have to chane my reservations and he still has yet to make his.
He's in floriday right now till friday and then he will be in New Jersey in 2 weeks. I guess his ex is going to jersey when he pulls in to meet with one of this friends, the one that so willingly offered up info about me and carl to his ex. Kinda pissed carl off cuz now hiw parent know everything including th fact that he is coming home in march to see them, so much for suprising them.
I'm going out to dinner tonight with Kate. We are going to go to Friday's, best date ever. haha. I have the best Valentine, she gave me a disney princess card with matching pencil. I found it taped to my door this morning.
Happy Valentine's Day all!
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February 12th, 2006
10:04 pm
So the weekind was really quiet. Nothing happened. which was good and bad at the same time. I wish something happened so i could see how someone else handled the situation, but I'm glad that nothing happened cuz that was less work.
We had an open house on Saturday and gave 2 tours. Me and Brandon make a good team. I got alot of complements on how helpfull I was, so that was cool. Brandon said that I did a really good job so that made me feel go. I was really suprized about how much I knew about the school.
I went to Kate's room today and set up my programs for the next 2 months and the end of this one. I'm doing a twister night this month, make your own sock puppet night and make your own t-shirt night in March and I'm doing an open Mic-night and easter egg decorating in April.
My first ngiht on duty on my own is the 21st of this month and its also the boy's b-day. He's gunna be the big 2-3. Speaking of him he called me last night and that was exciting. Its always good to hear his voice.
I talked to my aunt tonight. She spent the weekend in NY with her cousin. We talked for a while.
I can't believe that the month is half over. I can't believe that I actually got the RA possition now.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/charitycam/stars/cold.gif) cold
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February 10th, 2006
11:18 pm
I'm shadowing Brandon tonight and I'm really effing tired. I just want to collaspe and I can't till 2am...
Carl left this morning for a month. I talked to hom for a whole 2 min.
I'm sick, this room is freezing and I have to sleep in a hoodie, sweat pants, socks and two blankets. I hope my heater gets fixed soon.
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February 9th, 2006
04:22 pm - So let go
So i finally got the RA position which mean single living for me from low till I graduate. WooHoo.
I don't have to pay for housing either which is awsome. Plus I get my own bathroom. I got a free pager and a key to the office and a key to the materkey which lets me into evey room in the building...frightening I know.
I went out shopping yesterday and got stuff for the room. I got a new shower curtain. Jay said that it looks like a twister matt, but i think its cool. I got a rug for the floor and a pink bin with two clear sparkly drawers to hold stuff that won't fit into the medicine caninet. I got a cart for my tv and dvds and dvd player ( which is at home), I stole a longue chair from downstairs, its gray tweed and its new looking so that thats cool. I draped a pink blanket over the top of it and threw all my animals in it. I have a rug but I want to get a black one.
I stole all my poasters from sharon's room and hung them up this afternoon. Now My room looks alot better. I still have one wall that has nothing on it, so I need to get more poasters or something. I kinda want to tape off a section of the wall with colored tape and put pictures of my friends in it.
I want to get a conopy for my room also. I've always wanted one, but I can't have on in my room at home cuz it would look bad with my day bed.
ugh I don't want to go to class tonight, but I was bad and skipped last week... oh well.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/charitycam/stars/happy.gif) calm
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February 2nd, 2006
10:42 pm - My smiles an empty wound with out you
So I've been thinking about getting abother piercing for my b-day this year and I'm not sure what I'm gunna get. I think that a Monroe would look cute on me, but I would really like to get Venom piercings, they are so sweet, but that would kill and so would my aunt... I also think that I would look cute with a small stud in my nose and I know that my aunt wouldn't mind it so much, since she was going to let me do it when I was 17. Besides that I know that Carl would like it too although he said that he would like whatever I got.
Carl said that he wants to get his tongue pierced... oooh yea. I love tats and piercing on boys. I know he's going to have at least two when I see him.
I think I mighed be bored while I'm down there... He has to work while I'm down there and he work like 16 hour day yea I'm gunna be stuck chillin with his bestfriends pregnant g/f, thats all moody... fun. We have talked about doing a bunch of stuff but I think he is just going to be too tired. He passed out early on me tonight, that made me kinda sad but I know he needs sleep.
Haha. Apparently me and Kate are sole mates and we are destened to be together and have beauful babies instead of ones that look like stick stickly... hah.
Current Mood: happy
Current Music: old skool Fall Out Boy
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January 29th, 2006
12:58 pm - I Love you Angel
I was talking to Carl last night, because that seemes the be thenightly ritual unless one of us goes out or he is underway. This boy is crazy, he forever has me laughing. He keeps promising me the best 5 days of my life, and I'm not doubting it. He keeps talking about what he wants to do, like take me out to dinner and make me dinner cuz that boy can cook, which is good cuz I can only make a few things.
I was messing with him on the phone last night... haha. But all is fair in love and war, and I think we have just declared War on eachother, but he started it by picking on me.
I went out to Downtown crossing yesterday and stoped at H&M and got two shirts. One is green and white striped turtle-neck and it the kind that comes just below my boobs, its cute. But since i can't wear that alone i got a long pale yellow jersry tank to wear under it, its adorable, and it makes me look thin, either that or it was just the mirrors in the dressing room... haha. I hate how they do that.
I get to spend the day working on hw, how exciting. I'll probably take a nice long shower first and put off doing hw as long as possible... you know how I do. hah
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/charitycam/stars/awake.gif) awake
Current Music: Boys Night Out
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January 28th, 2006
11:55 am - The Pru
My aunt was in the City today for her Dental Hygene Convention so I met her at the pru and we did some shoping. I got a hot new pair of sunglasses and an equally hot purse. I got her an air freshener for her car, clean cotton smell from Yankee Candle.
She took me out to dinner. We went to Charlies on Newburry Street. It was a really nice place, and they served a little bit of everything. I eneded up getting some baked chicken and some stuffing, some cranberry sauce, and some mashed potatos. mmmmm. I didn't look like I ate much but I thought that I did a good job. Then we both ordered some Boston creme pie, and now half of its in the fridge.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/charitycam/stars/okay.gif) okay
Current Music: Fairweather
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January 4th, 2006
02:14 pm - Yeah you
I want to let you go because you bring me so much pain and aggrivation, but I love you none the less. I don't know why.
Current Mood: crushed
Current Music: The Used- I Caught Fire(In your Eyes)
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December 14th, 2005
09:27 pm - Close my eyes, let the whole thing pass me by
I'm pretty pissed off. A certain someone hasn't called me in the past 3 nights like they said they were going to. I wouldn't care so much if he didn't say he was going to call. Silly me, I actually expect someone to do something when they say they are going to.
Someone had to go and put the idea into my head that he may be putting on a front, and doesn't actually care about me like he claims to. I don't want to believe that, but right now I don't know what to think. Yesterday they made him work late, I can't be mad at him for that, he had no comtrol over that. I sure hope for his sake that he has a good excuse for upsetting me.
He sent me a message all " hey babes" what the fuck is that, if you can be on the computer why can't you use the phone? whatever.
I hate feeling like this, I want to trust him, and I did untill someone had to go and screw with my head, damn you.
I know I shouldn't believe everything I hear, but sometimes its hard once you get an idea into your head.
I hate the idea of having to go through this bull shit for another year and 4 months.
I want to be happy now.
Sharon thinks that she is getting the shit end of the breakup but in reality she isn't. At leat when she finds someone that she wants to be with she can actually be with them, and not have to do long distance shit, and not be able to be with the person that you would like to be with.
he told me today that he refers to me as his wifey to be, I sure hope he isn't fucking with me, cuz there is a foot waiting to ram him in his balls, twice.
Current Mood: worried
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December 11th, 2005
02:39 pm - 14 days till christmas
I've been a lazy bum all weekend. I didn't change out of my pj's till it was time for dinner yesterday, and then when I got back I put them back on.
Sharon went out and bought me White Christmas yesterday, it was very sweet of her. We watched it last night, I kinda want to watch it again.
I should do laundry today, but I don't see that hapening.
I'm not looking forward to working again. But i do like money. The only day I took off was New Years, and I don't know why I did. I don't think I'm going to be doing anything. I'll probably hang out with my aunt... I love my life.
I talked to Carl on the phone last night, for the firs time in 3 and 1/2 years. He still sounds exactually how I remember him. He said that I sound the same, big suprise there. He was telling me all these stories about the Navy, and about his family. HIs family is pretty messed up.
His Dad and Stepmom disowned him cuz he wouldn't marry this girl that they liked. He ended up moving to Ct. to live with them and while he was down there he met this girl and they started dating for a few months, but he didn't see it going anywhere so he broke up with her. I guess the girl still goes over and see his parents, and they really like her and don't understand why he doesn't like her, but he says that she wasn't the girl he wanted to be with and she couldn't fill my void, i though that was kinda sweet. But I guess his parents and him used to get into fight over how I was too young for him... I am 3 years younger than him. I'm gunna be 20 in march and he is going to be 23 in Febuary... its not that big of a deal, but whatever. I guess it just seemed like more when I was 15 and he was 18.
He was also telling me how the Navy is like High School. I guess if he gets into trouble they call his parents... I was like are you kidding me?
Since I talked to him last night he changed stuff on his myspace. One thing he says is that if you can't get someone out of your head then maybe they are supposed to be there. That made a lot of sense to me.
I'm still waiting to hear from Erica about an interview.
Current Mood: bored
Current Music: 50 cent... lol
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